THE soon to be released ESPN Documentary Series ‘The Last Dance’ 
charts the rise of the Chicago Bulls dynasty of the 90s that captured 
six NBA titles, with Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen and Dennis Rodman 
leading an all-star team that has since gone down in sporting history.

In a recently released teaser for the documentary, Hall of Famer
Michael Jordan is quoted as saying “my mentality was to go out and
win, at any cost.”

This quote got me thinking. With the lack of sports at present, people
are looking back at the top 10 this and top 20 that. I thought I would
consider the best Ulster rogues and protagonists of GAA’s dark arts*
of the 21st century (plus Joe Brolly).

This list is supposed to be a bit of fun; if any of those listed feel
the need to issue legal proceedings, the Courts are closed until
further notice, I just want to avoid you wasting your time. So whether
you are a furloughed, fair weather or ‘for f**k sake’ type of GAA fan,
sit back and enjoy.

Remember this is just a bit of fun:

1. God – well, the only one that will be worshipped in Tyrone this
Easter, Peter the Great. When Peter Harte wed God’s daughter, Mickey
Harte in his best man speech recounted that this was the coming
together of two of the great footballing dynasties, securing both his
extended tenure as Tyrone Senior football manager as well as the
future of the game itself. Francie Bellew was amongst the guests at
the wedding and during the speeches he stood at the bar and told story
after story about Peter the Great being the most cynical player to
ever lace boots, the slightest touch would send him hurtling towards
the canvas, like a spring lamb traversing a frozen lake.

2. Slaughtneil – In Slaughtneil, nice guys finish last or not at all.

3. Tiernan McCann – what can you say about a man who has done it all?
Such are his abilities that he even managed to get Scotstown and
Monaghan’s Darren Hughes sent off for assessing his Danny Zuko quiff.

4. When we are on such a Tyrone-centric footing, who can forget a soon-
to-be neighbour of my own and the only man since Plunkett Donaghy to
receive the much-vaunted ‘Freedom of the Moy’ award, allowing him to
park a horse and cart anywhere on the Moy hill at any time of the day
or night. You guessed it, Sean Cavanagh. Pulling down Conor McManus
was the crescendo.

5. Jim McGuinness – a man with more faithful followers than
Scientology, Jim (or Jimmy as he is known in Senegal) is the Godfather
of cynical play. Not a purveyor of the dark arts himself during his
playing days, he perfected the art as a manager. No amount of black
cards can erase Jim’s legacy.

6. Joe Brolly – I have included Dungiven’s prodigal son in the list
for the very fact that in ’97, he put two goals past the then back-to-
back Ulster champions Tyrone, following that up by blowing kisses to
the crowd. How could you not love it? If you did that nowadays, you’d
be sentenced to 14 weeks with the sports psychologist and never be
seen on a football pitch again. Special mention goes to his cross
examination of Meath goalkeeper Conor Martin, when after lobbing the
ball over the stranded ’keeper’s head, he pondered the question as to
whether being made a fool of in front of 40,000 people was “better
than sex?” Shit-housery of majestic propositions.

7. James Morgan – the teak-tough Armagh defender has received more red
cards than Jennifer Lopez on Valentine’s Day. It should be noted that
it is tough to be the hard man in any parish in South Armagh, but to
do it in Crossmaglen, well that requires a special calibre of
individual.

8. Covid-19 – the Godfather of the dark arts and cynical play, not
interested in winning any games this year, the virus has been the most
effective sweeper in GAA history and has honed its skills so finely
that it has managed to prevent some of the top teams up and down the
country taking any scores for more than three weeks.

They may be rogues and if they are from a rival county, you will
undoubtedly hate them, but if they pull on your county colours on
championship Sunday you’ll blindly defend them.

In the end, as MJ says, you do what you have to do to win and we
shouldn’t of course forget the old Oscar Wilde maxim which the Chicago
Bulls dynasty personified on its way to success:
“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked
about.” Amen to that.

(*Note: the dark arts include: shit-housery, bending the rules, hard 
man, rogues, ‘doing what has to be done’, cynical play, taunting, 
verbal abuse, off-the-ball fouling, overly aggressive play and being 
an all-round pain in the rear end for other teams.)
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